


how you look at me

by thirteenohtwo



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2021-02-16 11:09:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21506911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thirteenohtwo/pseuds/thirteenohtwo
Summary: The thing is, Beau is being weird.
Relationships: Beauregard/Jester Lavorre
Comments: 14
Kudos: 347





	how you look at me

The thing is, Beau is being weird. 

The other thing is, she can't really tell anyone because if she  _ does _ tell someone then she has to kinda admit that she's been  _ watching _ Beau, and maybe  _ that's _ weird. Maybe. You shouldn't watch your friends that closely, she's pretty sure. Not that she doesn't watch  _ all _ her friends - she does, it's her job to protect them after all, even if sometimes she misses stuff, even if sometimes it feels like Caduceus does a better job at it. It's still  _ her _ job too, it was hers  _ first _ , and… well, she can't  _ not _ protect them. They're all a bunch of walking disasters and they mean more than anything in the world to her.

So she's gonna watch them, whether it's creepy or not.

She just maybe, kinda, sometimes watches Beau a little more closely. 

Which is fine! She  _ should _ watch Beau more closely because she and Beau are  _ best friends _ , and if you keep your friends close, you should keep your best friends closer, or something. That sounds kinda right. And it wouldn't even be an issue  _ anyway _ if Beau wasn't acting so weird.

So. Really. This is all Beau's fault in the first place. 

"I can't believe I'm asking this but do you not like your bearclaw, Jester?" Nott's voice breaks her out of her thoughts, forces the crease between her brows to smooth out until she's no longer glaring at the blueberry on Caduceus' plate. She prickles and shakes her shoulder, just a little, just to get the rest of the thoughts out of her head, and beams at the Halfing-Turned-Goblin-Disguised-As-A-Halfling. 

Big eyes stare at her like they're trying to map a puzzle and, you know what? Nott has been acting awfully weird lately, too. Jester squints and leans forward until Nott's eyes widen and she scoots her chair back, looking away nervously. "Why are you being so strange?"

Well, nobody ever accused her of pulling her punches.

Nott sniffs and plucks nonexistent lint from her sleeve, wiggling her fingers. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean, I'm always strange."

"Stranger," Jester corrects.

"Where?!"

The tiefling sighs and stands from the table, adjusting her cloak and flowing sleeves. "Fine, keep your secrets and I'll keep mine."

"... you don't have any new secrets," Nott murmurs suspiciously. She taps her chin twice, seemingly trying to decide if she believes Jester or not. "And even if you did, you couldn't keep them from me for long. I'm a world class detective, you know."

"As am I, Nott, as. am. I!" Jester declares loudly as she backs away. She connects with a warm wall, stumbling forward and glancing behind her. "Sorry, Beau.  _ Beau!" _

"Ah," the monk's eyebrows jump and she raises the mugs of mead above them so they don't spill. Her schooled disinterested gaze trails over Nott, curiosity threatening to bubble through those crystal blues, before landing on Jester and softening. "What. What'd I do?"

"I'm gonna find out, that's for  _ damn _ sure! You two and your secretly switched secrets are on thin ice!"

She keeps walking backwards, switching between Beau and Nott's look, one hand behind her to make sure she doesn't bump into anyone else. The other comes up to point two fingers at her eyes and then each friend, until she finds Fjord and Caleb's table and sits down. "Okay," she hears Beau mumble agreeably. 

Her shoulders slump and she turns to the boys just as Beau ducks down to Nott with a harsh whisper she can't quite make out. She huffs and crosses her arms on the table, dropping her chin on top to scowl at Fjord's fork.

"What, ah. What seems to be upsetting you, Jester?" Caleb asks softly. He reaches for her elbow, fingers pausing in the air, and curls them into his palm before bringing them back instead. 

It's progress, mostly. Just a few months ago, he wouldn't have even entertained the instinct to reach out to her, even if he can't actually bring himself to do it now. The thought lifts her spirits a little bit. 

So she sits up, preens just a little and flashes him a big, reassuring smile that eases some of the tension in his shoulders. "Oh, nothing! Beau and Nott are just being super chummy and I am  _ oh _ so happy for them, obviously."

He nods, a little lost, but smiles feebly. "Obviously, ja, ja. Are you maybe feeling left out?"

Purple eyes glance at Fjord and his smile is more sympathetic than she'd like. She bumps her shoulders up once. "No, I don't even care. If they want to talk all secret to each other and not tell me,  _ fine,  _ but the  _ least _ she could do is not treat me weirdly!"

"Nott?" Fjord ventures, mildly confused. At Jester's scowl he backtracks, lifting a finger victoriously. "Beau! Yes, I thought she was acting rather strange as well."

Oh?! Maybe another time she should put a little more thought into how oblivious Fjord is when it comes to, well, everything  _ but _ Beau, but right now she's got a hook. "You noticed, too?! It's  _ weird _ , right? Like, why won't she look at me for more than two seconds, why am I sleeping  _ alone _ in my  _ own _ bed, like, every single night now?"

His brows furrow and a guarded thought flitters across those yellow eyes but Fjord can be  _ frustratingly  _ closed off sometimes. "I was more talking about how hard she's working out lately and how aggressive she's becoming in our confrontations with enemies."

"Well, yeah, that too,  _ obviously." _

Obviously.

"She's been studying a lot, lately," Caleb adds thoughtfully. He blinks and realizes the others are staring expectantly at him, and slumps a little in his seat. "That might by why you are sleeping alone more often than not? She usually stays up studying her notes, some of the books I've acquired, anything to do with demons and devils, and I believe she picked up a tome about Ioun when we were at the Archives last."

"Maybe she's sleepy," Jester decides softly. As much as she watches Beau, she hadn't actually noticed how busy their monk has been. She's so good at acting like she doesn't care, like these things don't touch her… Jester was maybe starting to believe her heart really  _ is _ made of stone. But these things are hitting Beau just as much as anyone else.

And here Jester is, angry that she's not been monopolizing Beau's time. 

A blue forehead thunks down against the table. "I'm the worst friend." She can hear Fjord and Caleb quickly try to defend her, insist that she's one of the best friends they've ever had. "I didn't even notice how much this is affecting her!"

"To be fair, Beau is hard to read on the best of days. Caduceus hasn't even said anything," Fjord reassures her.

Which isn't reassuring in the slightest.

The wizard wabbles his hand in the air with an unsure face. "He's not one to advertise other people's business, or push the issue on those he sees… ah, struggling." 

"Do you think that's what she's doing with Nott?" Jester wonders idly, as she glances back towards their table. Nott has her chin resting on the lip of the mug while Beau tosses one of Caduceus's blueberries into another mug on the bar counter across the room. Her fellow cleric perks up with a wonderous grin and leans down to say something that has a smirk twitching at Beau's lips. "Do you think that she's, like, telling Nott about it?"

"What do you mean?" Fjord asks.

The sinking feeling in Jester's gut doesn't play well with the bearclaws and she feels very sick, all of the sudden. There was a time, not too long ago, that Jester was  _ confident _ she was the closest to Beau. Or… or maybe more that they had a special sort of bond. Caleb is pretty much her brother, and Fjord is her Best Friend, and  _ she  _ is Beau's best friend too, but…

It was different. They were closer. Deeper. Beau found  _ Jester _ on the Balleater and Beau told  _ Jester  _ that she loves her, and Beau stayed up late with  _ Jester _ after they lost Yasha, and Beau becomes so… so  _ soft _ and  _ vulnerable _ and  _ open _ when it's just the two of them, in a way she  _ knows  _ Beau isn't with anybody else. 

Except… maybe… Nott now.

Which means it's not special anymore. 

_ She's _ not special anymore.

Not to Beau.

"Like she is confiding in Nott?" Caleb wonders. He scratches his stubbly chin and nods. "I suppose. Nott is very easy to talk to, she is very supportive and-"

_ "I'm _ very supportive!" Jester insists and ignores the way her voice cracks (ignores the way her heart cracks).  _ "I _ read to Beau when she can't sleep, and  _ I _ buy her pocket bacon, and  _ I  _ pick up her blanket off the floor because her fragile human skin gets cold but she's  _ incapable  _ of not kicking literally  _ everything  _ off her bed while she sleeps."

When she finally looks up, Caleb and Fjord are exchanging a look too fast to read. She digs her fingers into her palms and fights to keep the scowl off her face, fights to jerk a smile up instead. 

Fjord pales just a little and she keeps fighting until the anger in her eyes is gone. "I mean, whatever, really. It's nice she has  _ two _ people for that, you know?"

"What in the gods' name was  _ that?" _ Caleb whispers.

"What."

"You were so angry a second ago,  _ why _ are you smiling now??"

"I'm not angry, I was just curious, Caleb-"

"I know I am not good at emotions but that was definitely-"

_ "Curiosity!"  _ Jester insists firmly as her smile fades. "Caleb."

He glances at Fjord who nods vigorously, and smiles meekly. "Ja, of course. My mistake."

"I don't know  _ why _ it makes me angry!" Jester breaks and slumps in her seat. "Normally I would go to Beau and tell her what I'm feeling and she would say something really, really sweet and sometimes super wise, and I would feel just a little bit better."

"But now…  _ she's _ making you angry?" Fjord tries to clarify. 

Jester blows a puff of air, tracing angry Tusktooths on the table with her finger. "No. I don't know. I don't know what it is, I  _ want _ to be mad at her but she hasn't done anything wrong."

"Are you, perhaps, jealous?" he questions even softer.

Her eyes snap up to his so quickly that he startles and smiles, a little embarrassed. "Why would you say that? Why would you think that?"

"Well, it's not exactly a secret that Beau likes you best-"

"Beauregard likes me a fair bit, you know-"

He leans forward against the table, ignoring Caleb's playful indignation. "You guys might be the closest of anyone in our little family here. It wouldn't be unreasonable if your feelings were hurt that she went to someone else before coming to you to discuss important things." 

"Or you are secretly in love with her," Caleb offers offhandedly. And then his brows furrow with thought. 

Jester feels her heart skip once, a playful, dancing swirl in her chest for the briefest of moments, a giant eagle behind her ribs. "Don't be silly, Caleb."

"Hmm…" Fjord eyes her with a deciphering look that makes her feel all kinds of naked. 

"Don't you  _ hmm  _ me!"

He taps his fork on his plate a few times, glancing up at Caleb again. "Her jealously  _ was _ quite passionate. If it was platonic, she would be more sad than angry."

"Ja, this felt more like her anger towards you with Avantika-"

"I'm-!"

Fjord winces, reaching out to place his hand over hers. "I'm still… I'm sorry, Jester. I didn't handle that the way I would have liked, looking back on it now."

"I don't-"

"But jealous of Nott?" Caleb wonders thoughtfully. He hums, too, and leans back in his seat. "She is happily married, granted there are complications there. The two of them would make… an intense couple, though."

"They wouldn't-!"

Fjord tips his head back to bark out a laugh. "Intense, would they? Oh, the couple they would make is something from deep within my nightmares. I'm not sure the world is ready for that. I'm also fairly certain Nott is quite straight."

"Nobody is one hundred percent anything, Fjord," Caleb teases quietly, a dust of pink across his face as he stares down at the table.

"Can we stop talking like I'm not here?!" Jester blurts out. They both look at her, and Fjord over her shoulder. "This was… fun but not very helpful, because I certainly am  _ not _ secretly in love with-"

"Sup, guys," Beau's rough voice grumbles just over Jester's shoulder.

_ "Beau!" _ she gasps breathlessly.

The monk waits. Blinks at her. And ever so slowly her brow draws down. "Seriously, what? Did I shit in your breakfast this morning? Why are you  _ scowling _ at me today?" 

Jester, with the biggest glare anyone at the table has ever seen - it has Beau stepping back in surprise, gathers her dress and gets to her feet. She jabs her blue finger into the monk's solid shoulder. "I might secretly be in love with you, I don't know, I gotta figure it out,  _ that's why!" _

Beau blinks again but her eyes are wide, bewildered, like she took one of her own stunning strikes. Her mouth drops open and her hand lifts, palm up, but no noise comes out. Jester huffs. "Uhh-mmmf!"

The kiss is - well, it's not sweet. Not like Jester thought she always wanted. Nothing about this is actually what she thought she always wanted. Her first kiss was going to be with a dashing, handsome man (for a while there, maybe even a dashing half-orc pirate) just after he rescued her from a terrible, mighty dragon. There was going to be blood and adrenaline fueled smiles, a sunset behind them, while the group around them gushed about how romantic it is! 

Her lips smash against Beau's kinda awkwardly, she's pretty sure she gets the monk's chin a little bit at first, and she's grabbing Beau's elbows hard enough that she's sure she's leaving bruises. Beau's words (confused noise, more like) gett muffled between them, and… and Jester is crying? She might be crying. Her cheeks are wet, she can feel the tears streaking down them. Gods, plus  _ Fjord and Caleb _ are watching, and she  _ yelled _ at Beau first! Oh Traveller, this did  _ not _ go how she planned, and she can't even blame it on drowning this time.

Jester yanks herself back quickly and rubs at her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Beau!"

Warm but calloused hands cup her cheeks until she blinks enough that she can see through her tears (fucking tears!) and look up into Beau's eyes. They're Crinkle Happy and unendingly amused, her smirk is teasing and delighted, and just slightly bruised. Jester shivers, despite never really feeling cold. "Jes," Beau sighs, soft and rough at the same time like she always is. A gentle swipe of her thumbs to catch errant tears. "Are you okay?"

"I don't know."

The monk nods and looks… thoughtful, inwards. She seems to decide something and lightly shrugs her shoulders. "I'm here and, you know, not in any rush? Figure your stuff out, and know that it's, fuckin', okay one way or the other? I'll still be here. No matter what."

"Beau-"

"But breathe. Okay? For me?" she teases again, and gods, Jester might just melt right there. The eagle in her chest comes swooping back and takes her breath with it. Crystal blue traces Jester's face, across her cheeks, up to her eyes (some of that… vulnerability that she's been missing so much, it shines through), and down to her lips. "But, uh, I'd hate to leave you with such a subpar reference. I wasn't really expecting that, and I… well, I can do better, Jester, and I need you and everyone here to know that."

"Your list speaks for itself," Fjord tells her with a reassuring nod. 

Jester beams, clasping her hands behind her back as a lovely violet blooms across her cheeks. "Oh, well, Beau, if you want to kiss me, all you have-"

Their second kiss is still kinda rough but that might just be their thing. "Not so nice when someone does it to you, huh?" Beau mumbles against her lips and Jester sighs.

There is no sunset behind them.

Their friends aren't gushing - Nott screeches something in the distance and Fjord mumbles something awkwardly supportive.

Beau didn't save her from a dragon, and their smiles are only bloody because Jester gets maybe too enthusiastic a nips one of their lips on a fang.

But the eagle never stops soaring and this might just be the best kiss of Jester's whole life.


End file.
